Writing: ‘Total Eclipse of My Bliss’ by Giovanni Covarrubias

I loved being in the bright sun.

A reminder of an oncoming better day, something that would always be there when I wake

up.

I felt a special connection to it, and so therefore, I named the sun Joy.

The best years of my life were in Elementary; I had no worries, unashamed, everyone accepted me. That is until 5th grade. “You act like a girl..,” said a classmate of mine, and this was the first time I heard this soon to be exhausted phrase my ears would hear for the rest of my life. That question would sometimes be substituted for a “Hi”: this was my new normal.

PHASE ONE

I looked up at the shaded blue sky– but felt a small tug of sporadic energy.
I could see a change in the sun...it looked like something had eaten a small piece of it.

Joy was slowly disappearing.

It never crossed my mind that it was wrong to be this way–a boy who’s feminine, but I tried to ignore this newly birthed thought that there are things I should and shouldn’t be doing because I’m a boy. I was trying to secretly erase a part of myself that was seen as “weird” by others. I buried these ideas deep down and finished Elementary with awards, a big
smile on my face, and took it with me to middle school. That’s when I first heard that word: gay. I had no idea what it meant and why I was called that, but I heard it so much I discovered its real meaning: “Boys who like boys.” I finally knew that I did like other boys; I started to dissect that word and even myself. I changed my mannerisms and acted as “straight” as I could to avoid conflict. I went to school with people looking at me through prejudiced eyes.

PHASE TWO

The shadow was hungry for more, so the sun was seen less.
I never lost hope, I held on tight to just that sliver of light.
I held onto what Joy could only offer.

With certain individuals it was as if I had “f*g” tattooed on my forehead and one time, someone approached me and yelled “I’ll beat the gay out of you!” I barely knew him. I would walk in a classroom full of boys for which I only lived in their peripheral vision, so I stopped trying to make guy friends because they showed patterns of hatred towards people
like me. I got through most of my year deflecting what was projected onto me, made good friends who accepted me, was doing well in school, and my family loved me. But I had to face yet another obstacle.

My dad got a new girlfriend later that year and one night I confided in her about my sexuality. She told me to tell my dad and I was nervous because I never intended on telling him because as I got older I started to realize his signs of toxic masculinity, certain religious beliefs, and homophobia. When it was time, I was frozen, speechless. My resistance led her to
taking him outside to talk and I was worried, so I went into my room and came out to him over text. Minutes later, he walks into my room and hugs me. He says, “I always knew. You’re my son, I’ll always love you.” I started to cry because these were the words I had always hoped he’d tell me.

They eventually split up and it turned out that my dad’s acceptance was only temporary and disingenuous, a means to please his previous girlfriend. Soon enough, he gets with another woman. But one night, I walked in the living room with everyone and sat down with crossed legs. My dad looked at me and gave a concerned look. “Are you okay?” he asked. “Yeah, I’m fine... why?” I responded confused. He looks over to his girlfriend and they
communicate through silence. He invites me to his room and we sit on his bed and says, “Why are you acting like this? The way you’re acting, it’s not right Gio.” My heart that was once full from my dad’s “approval” started to break. “I’m just being myself! I’m not doing anything wrong!” I said in anger. We got into an argument that felt like days long. “You’re a
boy! Act like one!” he said. Each word was a punch to my chest. He then said something that made me form tears he once taught me to never show: “Do you think Grandma would like seeing you act like this if she was still here?” This left me in disbelief. My words had no voice and soon my voice would have no more words. Because his real perception of an ideal son
was distorted by my sexuality, I fell into a depression in the same room I was gifted the happiness from his “acceptance.”

TOTALITY

The sun was swallowed whole now and I no longer felt Joy’s warm hugs of light.

I had to say bye to the only thing that stuck by my side.
Now I’ve accepted this shadow that seemed to have ruined my life.

I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up numb. Days would pass, and little to no words would ever be exchanged between us. My body’s gravity was attracted to my bed and my mind and body were always at war. He gave me more talks and even tried to give me a bible study. I was back to pretending to be someone I was not. This led me to having a bad
mental health. I finally decided I'm not going to be in an environment where I am not accepted, so I stayed with my mom full time and finally came out to her. She loved me for who I was, and her acceptance was real. School and my own dad made me feel weak, and when I knew how to grow and love them, they took the wings off my back. I hated to accept that the relationship with my dad was just a seed planted to a dying tree but I couldn’t let this bring me down anymore after being a candle in the wind for so long. I decided to make a change in the way I think and feel about myself.

PHASE FOUR

The sun was slowly unveiled, I was haunted by its beams.
Its warmth and comfort tingled my skin.
I had to get used to this feeling again.
Joy was slowly coming into my life again.

My dad will realize what he said to me was the worst thing he could do to me. And I realized that some people won’t ever accept me for who I am, but I’ve learned to love myself even when my dad learned to take that away from me. I can’t force people to accept me but I love me, and my mom, siblings, friends love me. That’s all that matters. I’ve embraced this
and I’ll continue to love my family and whoever else I want in life.

PHASE FIVE

I could see the shadow leaving and finally I was at peace.
I’m finally able to give a genuine smile, as so was the sun to me.
This total eclipse of my bliss, the Joy I took for granted.
I’ll live my life like it was the last I lived.